Honest Review: Baldi’s Basics

So supposedly, Baldi’s Basics is this now really popular educational game. I haven’t played it, but accordingly, it’s like a horror game...but with math. Yeah, including school stuff will definitely make a horror game more friendly for kids.

So you start out after school, in Baldi’s classroom. Baldi is the evil teacher who has the big ol’ ruler which he uses to whack the player. So to get out of the school, you have to find 17 notebooks. And every time you open a door, Baldi hears you opening it. Yep. The creepy teacher knows where you are in the school at all times. And he also gets mad every time you open a door. So, yeah. Baldi’s both a creep and an evil runt of a math teacher.
Oh, and there’s this gigantic oversized broom which helps Baldi terrorize the player. It’s called “Sweeping Time.”

So every time you escape Baldi with a notebook in your hands, you run fast down the halls, or else Baldi will catch you. But then this super annoying principal called Princi appears and is all like, “No running in the halls. Detention for you. 60 seconds. When will you learn.”
And guess where the detention room is? Yep. Baldi’s classroom.
So you’re stuck for 60 seconds in a room with a mentally unstable math teacher. Once you escape the detention room after the 60 seconds are over (if you even make it), you run down the halls some more. But then this annoying kid named Playtime appears. She’s a girl with a jump rope, and she freaking wants you to jump with her, though a PSYCHOPATH TEACHER IS HOT ON YOUR TRAIL.

Oh, and there are a few other supporting characters too. They also terrorize and/or annoy the player. At the end of the game, if you’ve collected all the notebooks, then before you can exit the school, you have to face the ultimate challenge: Baldi and Sweeping Time and Princi and Playtime and the few other supporting characters who I mentioned a few seconds ago confront the player. And if you escape them all—which is pretty unlikely—you’re free from Baldi’s Basics, and the game ends.

Honestly, I never want to play this game. And if you’ve played it, you know why.

DIE SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP
—Sweeping Time