Honest Review: Deadpool 2

Characters: Deadpool, Dopinder, Domino, Peter, the Vanisher, Bedlam, Shatterstar, the Vanisher, Cable, Vanessa, Russell, the Juggernaut, Blind Al, Weasel, Colossus, Megasonic Teenage Warhead, Yukio, basically all the X-Men from X-Men Apocalypse (except for Wolverine)

Plot:
So Deadpool is eating a strudel on top of a dozen gallons of gasoline. He’s also smoking a cigarette. He puts the cigarette in one of the gallons of gasoline. They all explode. And DP explodes, too.
Anyway, let’s go back six weeks. So yo boy DP has gone international. He’s fighting all the criminals in the world. One day he’s facing off against these gangsters, and he kills all of them but one. Later that night, he and his girlfriend Vanessa are watching porn when the last of the gangsters Deadpool was fighting arrives. He kills Vanessa and DP goes into...a depression. He tries and tries and TRIES to kill him self but still someone can’t. Then the opening scene happens. He brings a bunch of gallons of gas into his and Vanessa’s home, puts a cigarette in one of the gallons, and...he kills himself. Almost. Apparently due to his healing factor, Deadpool just can’t die. Colossus just drags Deadpool’s (living) remains to the X-Mansion. DP is now an X-Men trainee.
Meanwhile, in the future, Russell kills Cable’s family, so Cable goes to the present to kill Russell.
Deadpool goes on a mission with Negasonic Teenage Warhead and Colossus because this kid Russell is @&^#ing some &^%$ up. Deadpool tries to calm Russell but Russell tells DP of how the trainers at his mutant orphanage have abused and tortured him over the years to get the mutant genes out of him. Deadpool then shoots all the cops that are trying to take Russell away to some mutant prison called the Ice Box or whatever. So then both Russell and DP go to the Ice Box.
Then Cable arrives. He beats up DP, and now a powerless Deadpool says that he doesn’t give a %^$# about Russell, when in reality, he does, he’s just not able to protect him right now.
So DP is thrown into a lake by Cable, where he has a vision with Vanessa in it. Vanessa tell him he can’t be with her because his “heart’s in the wrong place.” Deadpool jumps out of the lake and finds out Russell and a few other prisoners are gonna be taken to another prison by a convoy truck. Deadpool forms the X-Force...but they all die except for Domino and DP himself. Deadpool and Domino intercept the convoy, but Cable arrives to kill Russell, and he duels with DP while the Juggernaut, Russell’s friend after DP left the prison and Professor X’s goliath step-brother, breaks the convoy in half. The convoy crashes, but the Juggernaut, Russell, DP, Domino, and Cable all survive. Juggs then rips Deadpool in half, but DP survives, of course. Russell and the Juggernaut leave DP to die...but he doesn’t die. Later, DP is regrowing his legs at Blind Al’s apartment when Cable arrives. He tells his story to DP about Future Russell killing his family in the future, and then DP and Domino and Cable and—Dopinder—team up to stop Russell and Juggsy before they kill the headmaster. Russell starts torturing the headmaster when DP and friends arrives. The Juggernaut is almost too powerful for them all, but then Colossus arrives, forgives Deadpool for killing all those cops earlier in the film, and Colossus starts fighting the Juggernaut. DP, Domino, and Cable go inside the building to stop Russell before he makes his first kill.
Meanwhile Negasonic Teenage Warhead and Yukio arrives and they drown the Juggernaut in a swimming pool with Colossus.
Russell blows up part of the building, and DP temporarily calms Russell down, but then Russell has a short fit of rage and emotion. Cable shoots a bullet at Russell, but DP sacrifices his life for Russell’s, which makes Russell have a change of heart. DP dies and goes to heaven, where he sees Vanessa. Vanessa tells him he’s ready to go to Heaven, but it’s too early and that his “family” (Russell, Colossus, Cable, Domino, Dopinder) need him. Also Elvis has slept with Vanessa in Heaven.
Deadpool then comes back from the dead. Cable goes back in time to stop himself from shooting a bullet. Instead, he shoots Deadpool and Vanessa’s coon from their first date at Deadpool. He and his “family” head home, as the Juggeranut is seen alive and well, and exiting the pool. Boom. The movie ends.

The post-credits scenes:
Yukio and Negasonic Teenage Warhead fix Cable’s time machine and reluctantly give it to DP. Deadpool goes back in time to save Vanessa, kill the version of himself from X-Men Origins: Wolverine, kill Ryan Reynolds when he is about to read the script for Green Lantern, and finally...he kills baby Hitler to stop World War II from happening. Boom.

My short review of the movie:
Woah. That was some (not) lazy writing.